The Uncertainty Called life…

I woke up to her agonizing cries…I knew she was departing to take up her last journey .The course to a far away mysterious world! But why was I so restive, so profoundly in tenderness didn’t I know the veracity. Yes I did, and I reaffirmed my belief...a million times that night. The night was a sinuous one …it was taking away someone whom I loved. Someone for whom I cared! But could I really do anything?, No I couldn’t . My mental struggle was creating a distress precinct within me; I didn’t like it…this entire route of knowing that I was losing out on her was heart breaking! The furor, the shouts of people around nothing seemed to bother me …Locked in my web of imaginings,..the images disturbed me,the sessions of lullabies ,her random stories as she got old I was praying the almighty to condense her pain and he did...it was seconds, and she flew on her heavenly flight …I just had my tears to wish her goodbye!

May your soul rest in peace…Grandma ...

Love You

Picture Courtesy:www.medindia.net

Theres Always a world beyond our comfort zone ...The people who make it big are the ones who have taken a risk at least once in their lifetime !♥

Picture Courtesy :www.photoblog.pl

Me..

I am unwrapping facets of ME ...

Truely Yours ..

When you are scared to lose me …I delve to be you strength...

When you can’t sustain without the sound of my voice in your dreams I’m your heartbeat!

When you search for my warmth …I become truly YOURS!

Passion..

I dream to follow my passion …but I am scared of the tug of war my heart and head are playing !

Pain

When I cant hurt you in my dreams ....How do you ...do it in reality !

Picture Courtesy :www.lovelorn.com

Desire

Dont desire to walk ..the same path as I did...!

Dont desire to live my Life ...Until you have a Strong Heart and Mind..Like mine..!

Picture Courtesy :www.edf-feph.org

CAN’T C U NE MORE...Xx

She lay on the bed perplexed …”If Everything is so right then why does it feel so wrong?”The message said it all, didn’t it? She had been so keyed up with the beep of the phone …that had been her lifeline for six long years! Distance never kills any relationship …It always makes the heart fonder that’s what she held...But how could such a strong link ……be broken by a single text message. She looks around to see the pictures depicting memoirs of their lives together. ..The fun…the laughter and the love .The life that was so perfect, that she was ready to relive it a thousand times…But now there wasn’t any life to live…..Yes there was no life to live!

The juxtaposed thoughts confused her….and the reality came crashing down on her

But …There was no more any life to live at all!

Tears…were flowing down her cheeks…She looked around ….to witness that her cries had no audience to entertain than the vacuum. The pain, the complexities of her so called perfect world … was that entire she had now!

How does she move forward? Where does she go from here? …

With the last drop of tear she whispers into solitude ….

Its said you hurt those you love …You must really love me a lot!

!

Destination

I hate it …when I reach my goals …sooner !..Its then that I loose the aspirations to live !

Dream...

I have a dream....and I want to live it !

The wait

                                              "Waiting for the pain to end , And love to mend!"

An Ode to love …

Every instance with you has left me with memories, so beautiful...

Every instance has set the soul, reasons so blissful...

Don’t really consign to reminiscence...
                                      the times the heart has cried to be close to you.

Don‘t really 'commit to memory' the times these eyes...
                                           have spoken the unspoken…before you..!

You know you're not alone when I exist to fill your very core,
You know I dance in your love's galore.
You know it’s your love that’s created such furor;

So,now You know... that forever its only your love ,that I adore.

The Chastened Soul

My heart was frozen behind the mattress...The shrieks…the cries, the anguish, and pain was beyond conception. I gaze into the barrenness...The memories of the last night ...have been a nightmare …How happy was I dressed in my bridal wear. The giggles, the gratification in my heart: I was in the arms of my lover forever, And blessed I was …to find such a love! A journey far away from my world …didn’t bother my soul. I had found my love…yes true love! Then the world started shattering when the people in my new world realized I was a not part of their clan...They called me a “non believer ”….Brought up in a egalitarian planet …my conscious had no space for religion! I knew I was a human...and that’s what had moved me though life and that’s how I believed my life to move on!...But not they …they didn’t want my essence to sustain..They didn’t want my dreams to grow!
It was the night of my marriage the contentness of creating a happy cosmos was all I wanted. The bullets’ sound screech through the music! I was numb...Standing before me was a fanatic now I knew the word had spread: they knew I was not their own, he dragged me to the open streets. He wanted to see my flesh bleed; my pleading cries were fell on deaf ears. He kicked me hard, and the pain was unbearable...But he went on kicking me, people around tried their best to drive them away.But the one who tried was fired and sent away. To end their fun...He fired me twice. And he left me lying in a pool of blood .I was loosing myself to lord.When a lady took me in her arms and carried me into the house …I was sinking …I knew it .But she wanted to show me the light .She stabs the knife into my chest to take out the bullets and I pass into a state of unconscious. When again I open my eyes: I see myself behind a pool of mattresses. They had come again to check on my dying body...But not finding me there had provoked their anger immensely .They had raided every house to find me…and the marks of blood on the floor had given the news that I was inside .They shot every person they saw…what was such a fanaticism? Just, to see me dying they killed people whom they called their own. The shrieks subside I know everyone has deceased.They move on to locate me again. It was hours I think when I generate the potency to stand …I knew I had lost everything when a baby’s muffled cry rocks my thoughts I see a movement of life from within the dead. And I manage and take that child in my arms it seems to give me the only ray of desire…!
Limping through the debris I walk to keep my soul alive, now my life had a value… it had the blessings of all the people who had lost theirs to keep me living on. And I had the hope of a child to move ahead.Marred with the pain …I cry out to lord …
If this is our world of today...Then what will our tomorrow be lord?

She

Ripped by the reality of life she got conscious of the two sides of her!
She was a blend of emotions; whose heart cried out when she saw the world in pain. She cried with the child …who lost his childhood; she cried as the world was besieged by terrorism, she cried when a girl was dragged on the streets by goons. Walking down the phases of her life …she believed the world was a part of her... she loved it, cherished it …and nurtured it as her own! She dreamt to see the world dipped in happiness and hope…she dreamt to see a content soul! And she survived just to see the world thrive! …on its own …
But …what was she on the other side? A selfish spirit whose heart craved for more! Who dreamt to see herself as a winning spree? Who just survived to see herself free, the world’s pain was not hers, the world’s tribulations didn’t belong to her…She was the woman of the new genre whose only belief was to rule the world…Whose sustenance was reciprocal to her success. Whose interactions were just a way of life, whose winnings made her smile!
Whose was she …in reality …who was she?
I believe…………………………………….She was just me!

The Ten guys and I Part-2

Ah…my head…the sleep hadn’t really worked. I was feeling so damn tired! It’s so exasperating sometimes when you wake up in the middle of a sleep [Ah for those of you wondering]…I finally, got a little sleep, after settling my clothes of course! Its not that he hadn’t helped, he did, as always and then I was permitted to doze. But what made me wake up...I thought again it was some sound …kind of …! Well some scratching noise may be some neighbor’s cat! It continued this time … bloody hell it scared the …..**** Out of me!
Where was that knight in shinning armor of mine...shouldn’t he be here taking care of me ….shouldn’t he be fighting with all the nasty spirits around! Even Before, the thoughts were over and done with. I was screaming …”aaa aaa…it was adequate to get the whole house down! The door opens and a guy...pops in [The Jack in the box kind of …]

Who the hell was he …He walks in smiling [how can he smile when I am so scared] and introduces himself as Ashutosh [Ashu for everyone and for inputs the Prankster…on second thoughts, though I have always felt him to be a Casanova in a positive sense...].And where was that boy friend of mine ….seriously, sometimes I feel when ever I need him, he is no where to be found!
Well Oops! This time he was there …cheekily smiling behind Ashu. Why were they smiling? Am I a mouse in an experiment that gets all jumpy with some electric shock? Or were they seeing a girl who screams for the ‘first time’! [Ah! Back sweetheart, back from your thoughts…]I know there are thousands of girls who would admit that we girls have fundamentally an analogous thought networking! Life will be working its way and we would be lost in our thoughts examining every facet of our circumstances...And having our second vivid thoughts on things.
So all that weird noise came from that six feet tall, chiseled guy [not exactly…]He tries to be extra nice … [typical guys]…They are always good to girls when they meet them for first time! Things just happen later. To take on with the exchange ...”I need a little help with my dissertation tonight” he said. I have submission in two days. [Duh uh …there goes my night’s beauty sleep]. I smile back...Yes, we will work on your dissertation .I will make sure we complete it tonight! …Great! That’s what he says and sits on my bed …I give a startled expression and jump back conscious of a stranger on my bed. He laughs and says welcome to London and welcome to the house with ten guys !...[ I am blank …yes I am …ten guys …I take a deep breath! Sigh!] But before I assimilate the thing about ten guys …he starts again...Did you hear any sounds…anything scratching …I nod .Oh don’t get petrified …that’s just the sound from the graveyard next to your room …What was he talking! “A graveyard” …I look straight at my bf...He smiles in assertion. I want to scream what is this guy upto? …Heights of romanticism …really !who would make his gf sleep in a room next to a graveyard! But that thing doesn’t seem to worry him …”You will be fine …ghosts don’t exist “…Really? Then why didn’t you guys stay in this room? I stare at ashu; I really thought he had been sweet enough to give me the news about the graveyard ...he would surely be the one to help me out! Oh!...But, that know it all says …You see this is a two storied house and we all guys stay upstairs .This is the only room on the ground floor and you are a girl you would feel a lot secured !..Since when did security mean staying alone [next to a graveyard]…I have no shame in admitting that I am scared...Very scared… [But one thing is clear Ashu has to be a Libran …the way he speaks tact fully].
…He starts again about his numerous encounters with Ghosts in the house...[as if he thinks I am enjoying it!...ya ya ..I know what you are doing.boy!]...Guys they wouldn’t spare a single chance of goofing about being immaculately strong! I slowly pass into my thoughts again…I seriously want to shriek at these two guys [yes my bf very much included ] get off my bed ..Get out of my room …you have already done enough harm for the day …hmmm night I mean!

.As I have said before the characters are real ..but my vivacious mind just creates the situations for the story..I hope you like this part !...If yes ...Please comment on the Post !]

Miss You

Once I asked God to keep me away from you ...And show you if I am at all Important in your life ........Little did I realize that I was asking for more pain that my heart couldn't take !

The ten guys and I

Being under the eye of my parents always I had never experienced the truth behind freedom…That was it, London showed me all. This was a life where I decided what to wear…where to go …what to do?.And that was the best aspect of it !

I never had the craving to grab a guy’s attention …because I had enough all my life! Not exactly, freeze your thoughts..I wasn’t the sexy siren at the school or university neither the admired girl with an hourglass figure and captivating ways? But tad ah..I was a tomboy..And that was it…I had guys all around me... [lol]..
I walk into my life in London and what do I see…I have ten guys in my world. [See this thing is not essentially how complicated as it seems because basically I wasn’t seeing ten guys]…but for the fact that my bf was the only person whom I knew before going there all his friends became my world. So coming back I have this ten guys …about whom I was a little skeptical You know, how as girls we have so much stuff running in our grey cells…We analyze …re-analyze and still then we are confused about everything in life !. So I was kinda thinking will they be ok having a girl in their cluster …will they be fine with a lady’s presence! So many questions [typical of a girl...].I assure myself we will all be fine together [I believe…Amen!]
So here I was …Waiting at Heathrow that day probing for that one known face; Among the crowd...I couldn’t find any …Because you see the fact was that my bf had to pick me up and he was so excited about my journey that the ‘fella’Overslept! [Can you believe it?] And here I was desperately trying to find him...All throughout the air travel I had this butterflies in my stomach …because I was meeting him after a complete year to be precise and I was so keyed up …even that eight hour flight hadn’t been able to dampen my spirits! [Love is Love after all]…But what do I see he is not there …Love transcends into anger and I was fuming …that’s it …how could he be so lackadaisical..? I’m not talking to him …I bolster myself a 1000th time and I was serious I wasn’t talking to him….! It was over 45 mins since the flight had landed and I see him …walking down towards me …and the first thing that I see was his smile! And how …All the anger for minutes just melts in seconds..[That’s his charm]…And how I hate that feeling of being flabbergasted in his presence! Now coming back to the guys...[This love thing is actually distracting me…but I have to tell you about this ten guys ].I see another guy with this bf of mine and at first glance he is so sweet says a polite hello introduces himself as Amit [The shy One ],takes my luggage and strolls down the airport !..Here the people who already know me know how chirpy I am …but I was wordless...the people …the place was so new…slowly I realized I was in London away, away and so far away from my country!...Bf’s late arrival had infuriated me so much …the I had elapsed to enjoy my initial enthusiasm of being in London but the view from the tube …had restored everything back!
I reach...Home after hours of travels through undergrounds and the admired red buses..Awl London is so beautiful! But my body was already calling a day! Knock Knock and the door is opened by a very .chubby guy and he introduces himself as adi [The Good One]..I knew him I had chatted with him several times! But to be honest had never expected him to be “Golchu Polchu “[he he sorry adi]. So I walk into my room a small but cozy one and I jump into my bed. And pass into a relaxing sleep. [No I didn’t].Because my bf …wanted me to settle the clothes before I slept …how hilarious …!!!..Was he getting it I had my long long travel from India! And didn’t I need my rest …and think about the reality I was away from my family …I needed some time alone to get over that feeling! [Didn’t I ]…But no …he said …so I had to do it wasn’t I a good girlfriend I Yes I was …of course I am who wouldn’t have complained but did I ?...[That’s his spell I am always so awestruck when he speaks]

[*** This is story has real characters but...Situations are fictious...because I wanted my story to be interesting ...who wouldnt..I would continue writing on this topic ..if I find people interested in what I am writing !..so as I always say share some love ...leave a comment and let me know this story has any worth of being told or not ]...

God sees the truth but waits...

I know this reverberates to Leo Tolstoy’s story God sees the truth but waits .And when I script on this tenet; essentially that’s the contemplation behind it. Since, the day I interpreted this story I haven’t been able to comprehend why God delays his righteousness when he knows the truth.Isn't God a redeemer of honesty? isn't he the epitome of justice?  Then what prevents him from patronizing the veracity of life.Why does he always let people who believe in him endure pain? Why does he favor the wrong doing doesn't that make him sinister-cal and an element in the crime? 

Why does he ? The questions keep flowing out .

But, we are so diminutive to query God’s Karma. He owns the world and knows how to maneuver people’s destinies . Doesn't that makes him domineering?It does,I believe it does,But can we go against our conviction? No we can’t. How hard we try we still come to a state of affairs where we again go back to him

So that always leaves him on a better forum. And I’m sure he would seriously be smiling at his own providence! So tyrannical. you are Lord And so better off your consign is.
What a fate you have lord! What a fate ?

Photo Credits: Revolvetour.com

Smile..

" A Smile should never need a reason ...A reason should find a smile"

Silence

This silence is deafening…This silence is heart breaking…But, Isn’t it uncanny how this silence says it all !

Girl behind the walls

Life is intricate, when you just have the four walls for your company. You wake up in their midst, you see them last, before your eyes wait for a day to end. You long for the sunshine, the rain, and the aroma of the earth; but the only thing that reverts back is the succulence of the walls.

Can life live in such a state of circumstances? Can life see the light of joy in this situation?
                                                     Can life? Hmm…


So, I have stopped breathing mine and the only leftovers of presence remains in the virtual world, where I’m far away from prejudices,perceptions and the people. But I still yearn for the spark of bliss, the beautiful planet of imaginings, and above all a life that I can call my own again.

 Didn’t they say every gloom transcends into the radiance one day. Didn’t they?
Then where is my life? Where is my happiness? Where is my share of love? I have waited so long for God’s fairness and I am still waiting .


Hope has taken me through the tunnel. But when again, I stare at the distance.

Hope seems to melt...into the walls!

Photo credits:www.lelalondon.com

.............

"God might exist in some corner of the cosmos .....but he surely has lost his presence in my world."

You…

You injected life into my essence,
You shaped the fire of passion,
You are the basis I subsist …
Where are you now Lord?
Locked in my world of misery and pain
I plead to be yours …again
Bruised, cut and bleeding I stand to be caressed by you today.
Take me into your arms…and make me happy and gay.
I am yours …and shall always be …yours forever lord …
Blend me ...blend me ..into your accord…

Do all relationship come with a past ?

I walked …down the alley blemished with my own conflicting thoughts. No one to stand by …the only companion with me today is my pain. I look around searching for any sight of a human, but there is none. I can just hear my heart and the roaring sound of the sea in the remoteness. My call for expressing myself is so intense; that I keep walking in anticipation that I would surely come across someone near the sea…someone with whom the exchange of thoughts would bring back the tranquility. I try walking faster...Its getting late and the darkness around is scaring me…The sea is near …yes it is …I can sense the salt laden gentle wind touching my face. I pace up and arrive at the shore. I am sweating profusely but that’s not what am anxious about …I need to find someone …I need someone to hear me.

As if god could feel my pain I saw someone in the far end sitting on the rocks, without even getting concerned who the person was I start running it’s the only living soul I had come across since hours. And it’s always easier to convey things to a stranger because they would never judge you by your past. And it’s my past that I was actually nervous about.

I reach her breathing deeply… she is a girl barely of twenty five, she had striking hair even the breeze was playfully flirting around with it ,and it was beautifully rising and falling on her face. There was certain calmness in her face unlike mine. And I thought I found the elucidation to all my questions. With my heart beats getting faster …I slowly touched her shoulders and the only sound that could come out of my dry mouth was a “Hello”. She looked up startled as if awaken from a deep slumber and kept blandly looking at me. We looked at each other for several seconds…may be minutes because I was besieged to start the conversation. What will I say her …will she think I am out of my mind and disturbing her…but I had to do it right… yes I had to its because of this… I had traveled so far alone. Even after assuring self several times the only thing that could come out of me was I need to talk. She smiled and I knew she was the one …she will take me out of my twinge. I started talking …

No it was just questions out of my mind…why do I have so much pain to encounter…why its always me…why cant I live beyond my past …months before when I had shifted to this place; I was so sure that this was it I had my share of pain now I have to look beyond the past and carve a beautiful future for myself. And I was doing fine till he walked into my life again. Bringing back all that I have been trying to bury within me! Who gave him the right to come back hadn’t he taken his decision long time back… that I wasn’t a part of his life anymore. He took his decision and I wasn’t ever asked how I felt about the separation, I walked out silently never ever questioning his credibility his …decisions then why had he come back?

He said …he needed me these months had broken him into pieces …he wanted me to amalgate all his pieces and make him complete again. Could I trust him all over again…he was the person who had said I was an useless part of his life which he wanted to be removed as soon as possible. I was a hindrance to his much celebrated ambitious plans to make it big in the world. And I left him …not because I was angry but because I realized he would be happier if I let him go …and that’s what he wanted…
The words were just tumbling out of my mouth and the girl was silently listening to me through my tears. …I looked at her as if I knew she would know all the answers. For seconds she was quiet and I was really getting impatient. But when she spoke her voice had a divine insight…she said Pain is an introduction to a beautiful life ahead…If you haven’t seen pain then you would never feel the essence of happiness. Long ago when you felt you were inseparable you had chances to doubt your own feelings and that’s what happened with him .He thought he would do without you, he called you a futile part because gradually he was feeling you to be one. The severance pulled you apart the pain was unbearable for both …but it gave him a difficult time he couldn’t be the practical one that he always acclaimed about. Yes, he couldn’t even when you were miles apart you remained to be a part of each other bleeding, crying in your respective parts of the world.

You should now love him not because you know how it’s to be loved but you have witnessed how it feels in its absence. And, its then that the charm of love actually blossoms.Every relationship come with their past …yes they do and this whole experience of separation would blend into your past one day and you would walk into the future to make it a beautiful one.Dont repent that it happened be happy that life choose you over others to experience a reality of life. It’s this disturbing facet of life that makes life worth living. You have grown with the pain …become a part of his life that he cant do without…and you have an assured love filled life ahead isn’t that enough to take you through this life. Her answers were like the first drops of rain in a drought stricken place… I was slowly calming down I got all my answers. How beautifully did she explain me about life? I wanted to know more about her now… how selfish I had been? I started talking my life out to her without bothering to know her name or ask her why was she alone in this place. Seeing me lost in my thoughts she had walked away…I would see her tender body across the night sky. I shouted to catch her attention but there was no answer … my voice reverberated back. She kept walking till I could see no more of her. Silently closing my eyes I muttered “Bless her”…and for the first time I felt the breeze and it was heavenly…

The cherished possession

Is it something to do with the Arian instinct that he wins all the arguments! Or is it destiny that bestows him with all the good fortune. Well he always sabotages my opinions and finely weaves it into what he thinks is right….He dissect my thoughts...So well that he would know the words before they would be out of my mouth… sometimes I hate that feeling and sometimes love it as well…(*Confused what I actually feel about it )..Arguments with him are like the cross and zero game where I always reach a dead end... But does that trouble me…That I win or not …Highly optimistic as I am. I have always believed that it’s better to loose an argument than loose the relationship altogether…so I just let him be the winner always (** with special effects of my angelic smile).And he enjoys that feeling His creative zest steamed with practicality makes him just awesome …and its his these innate qualities that he makes me fall for him over and over…

I am not a counselor on human relationships nor an intellectual genius but …just a cognizant speaker. Who believes winning is not everything in life …
You might have the whole world on your finger tip but still crave to get the affection of a loved one. Because it’s always the human beings who matter over all the materialistic assets one acquires in life. I know it’s sometimes so hard curtailing the ego but …the bargain shall always yield a profitable margin in a relationship. In a world…where a bruised heart is rampantly found finding that one person who loves you unconditionally makes the difference. So when you find someone that great never lose them over trivial ego gratifications. Love the person who loves you and cherish them forever.

Perfect One ...Am i not ?

It’s really ironical that my blog stipulates that I am the “Perfect One”.
As I am one of the most inconsistent person that one would have ever come across…There’s nothing in this planet that I can actually do perfectly. Every two-three days I fall down get wounded still never really hassle to be alert while walking. I converse to strangers, get trapped in tribulations still would stop by to help a needy one on my way. When it comes to my temper it can even give the volcano a complex but … after all those conscious struggle with self …I have failed to control my fury …. So that leaves me quite imperfect isn’t it …[See I am so true to myself !].
But I have never bothered to be bothered by this …Its never that I don’t want to be ideal …But I believe that God always has his plans …he made me the way I am because …he knows what I should have been…and how I can sail through my life…So that makes me God ‘s … Perfect One ultimately !

So, I'm perfectly imperfect, quite striking and conspicuous in my flaws, certain of my insecurities, In one word I am an utter “chaos”… but whatever I am.....I'm a beautiful catastrophe altogether ain't I ?!.
..:)

The lovely Plumeria

When you have everything in life you don’t have time to think for yourself. When you don’t have anything to do those little things that you had long forgotten just resurfaces. I am kind of discontented with the way my life is stirring these days. But I am getting in touch little things that I always loved…And kind of enjoying this journey towards “soul realization”.

Walking down the street today I caught a glimpse of the Champa(Plumeria) tree in front of my grandmother’s house. In an instance the memories of my childhood seemed to engulf me. As a child I had always loved playing under this tree, I would collect the dried up flowers and keep feeling its fragrance. It had kind of a strong scent but …I had fallen in love with it the moment I had realized about its existence. So essentially I loved it…But with time I had basically forgotten about my fascination for these flowers or may be getting a degree,the dream of making it big , work had enslaved me ! Millions of time I would have passed by the tree but never had been conscious of its presence in all these years. Today One sight was enough to bring back reminiscences of bruised knees, the carefree days, and the giggling me…I used to be so happy those days! A flower had so much to speak …so many memories to convey to me …Even for an instance it made me happy and I am very happy because I was reintroduced to a part of me today.
Time will again move on I will start working have a family …and this charm of Plumeria will be again wrapped up with other thoughts but …I am content and gratified to the lovely Plumeria...For the calmness that it got to me today even though it was for a brief moment.

Bhaia

Well god just knows it all…He knows people who can understand you …and he always makes it a point to keep them close to you. I didn’t have any brother …and I actually yearned for one …{It was like my kindergarten friends Soma and Asha had brothers…so I needed one too}…Not that I didn’t love having my sister around ..But I just wanted one...So how could God not fulfill my wish …So he gave me a brother .Yes, last year Sujit bhaia became a part of the family … {He is my brother in law}…But you see we never started off on the right note that’s because we both loved one person immensely {That’s my sister} and we succumbed to series of ego clashes.”My sister is mine …and how can someone take her away from me…I actually saw him as a threat “…so both had a cold war for sometime …!.But it was around February this year that we actually spent time as a family …and seriously now when I look up to the days …when I thought he hates me I feel so kiddish!..
He is a gem of a person caring, affectionate, and fun to be around and I seriously know that he loves me lot...There are times I think he is the only person who understands my situation. {Coz he really does}.For me he is just a phone call away “I just need to say that ….I need this ... and within minutes he could get it for me “… It took some time but he is an important link in our family. Well my mama loves him so much …that 24*7 …You see her chanting “sujit chalisa” {As I call it ..}And thanx for the MNG bag bhaia without your aid I could never have got it :P. He is just awesome ….otherwise you...Wouldn’t find so many people loving him …From my brother in law he transcended to be my brother !

Sleepless Night

Well... I went back to bed quite late last night… I wasn’t actually busy, just Blogging!
I couldn’t really sleep …It was as if I had just made a new friend and wanted to share everything about my life. So the reason was I wanted to continue ...writing down my thoughts. Though, at present not many people have access to my random thoughts. On a honest realization it’s just my sister who reads them and yes my parents who actually read them { No need of even mentioning they love all the crap that I write }. I am actually a little perplexed. I actually want to share my feelings with people outside my family . Not that I aspire to be a writer or something.... neither do I have an exciting life but as a Saggi …I am a knowledge "seeker and sharer" precisely ;so I just want to better myself !...

Passion for writing

I am slowly enjoying putting my thoughts into words and I have got the perfect platform to do it. People said I talk so much but that is because I have so many things to talk about. I have grown up sharing everything with my mama .So that had actually made it a necessity for me to take out all the pent up feelings within me.
Speech was always my strength I just knew it, I believe I can persuade anyone with my interactive skills. But writing naah never really had the zeal to write even one page {I hated the essay writings as a kid}.I don’t really know when I fell in love with writing. As far as I can remember my Bp( My father) is a writer and Sama (My sister) is a fabulous poet but not me .And I always counted myself as the black sheep of the family . May be it was a sense of jealousy …Hmmm jealousy is not the word but may be a little of sibling rivalry that moved me to write. Because my sister was so good at writing my mama always praised her and that actually created fervor within me to start writing. Though on a serious note I really don’t mind being a second best to my sister …I love her...so much but now when I try to find the source of my passion for writing the only reason I can think about is this…so I started my journey with writing very late at the age of 16. But since then I have tried to better myself …

saMa

I have this habit of writing about things and people close to my heart! And how could I miss out on such a beautiful facet of my heart. Yes one of the most striking facade of my life is my Sister. All my growing up years I have always wanted to be like her .Because she was just right! For our parents she is the best, for her husband a loving wife and for me my guiding light. She is so good at everything whether dance, creative writing, and paintings to sports she is always at the finest.

On top of that she is practical, realistic and the responsible one. Its just little things about her that made such a huge difference in my life .She has been more of a mother than a sister the sense of possessiveness, the compassionate attitude have always taken me through the tuff times. I look back at the period when I would be feeling “just down in the dumps” and she would just call me out of nowhere to let me know how much she is missing me and how much she loves me. I have never seemed to realize this relationship that we share she would know it even when we wouldn’t talk on a regular basis. How can I be so sanctified to have people who would understand me so well?
But that’s not the end to it we do share a portion of “sibling rivalry” as well … as kids she would always cook me delicious food. Then she would emotionally blackmail me to do her work yaa cleaning her wardrobe and the room....... poor me..! I hardly knew how to cook and would simply fall prey to the bargain of a nice dish over wardrobe cleaning. She was perfect at these blackmails as well; with her angelic smile and raised eyebrows she would end of winning. How I hated it …all my new clothes and accessories she would use them first ...because she still believes that she is the elder one therefore has right over everything first. So I get to wear all my clothes “second handed” as I call them. You can see what I have gone through.... But that has all been transformed to love these days “It’s like only she can fight with me, If any one else does it …, mind it he would be dead”. Dare someone looks at me or touches me she wouldn’t really spare him!
All my growing up years Sama is what I called her… no didi..Or jiji …now when I think……… I revere her as ma mother could I call her anything other than saMa her name had the word Ma in it.

I have always admired her ...for her enthusiasm to make a difference to people ... She is a focused lady who knows what she wants....!..A marvelous person who is loved by all...!!!.
Love you so much saMa !!! Be there for me always!

Sharpened Pencil

Why am I feeling this… my mind is so mystified …Why things that seemed so right at one point of time? Baffles me now. ~ How many times have I actually tried to be that sharpened pencil? The one that is the perfect blend of simplicity and excellence. But still he says I need to better myself because he wants the best! I have tried hard enough, I still do to do the things the way he wants, the way he want me to conduct myself, the way he wants me to converse, but that’s not me. Seriously that’s not me. The little tiny things that I thought were part of me… the true essence of my personality he thinks should have melted with years! I should have been someone different by now …Is he right?
The voice within me answers back Yes may be …He has always been the one who knows it all …He just seems to do things so perfectly! But I struggle to balance myself and the food in a restaurant! How I hate those high heels and would kick them off whenever I got an occasion. How much I loved walking bare foot on grasses! How much I loved dancing to the tunes of the rain …But that’s not what I am supposed to be doing…I am a girl of 23 I shouldn’t be doing that! I should be poised and complete role replica for the kids around me not to be a kid myself! So I feel I am loosing out some part of me!
But being with him has actually made the big difference…its made me a better person, I have learnt so much in order to give him my best I would just travel that extra mile for him which I would have lovingly procrastinated otherwise. He taught me to love myself, He created in me a sense of pride that I should have for myself, and He taught me that the world looks up to those who believe in themselves .He made me love my present, forget my past and be assured about my future.
So, what am I complaining about….????? The fact that he always wants the best…No he actually made me what I always dreamt of being but could never make myself do all that! He has been with me through the most difficult times and even promises to be with me forever …He is the one who gives me strength to face the world … He is harsh sometimes because he knows that if sharpened this Pencil would be near to best! Even the most brilliantly shinning diamond has to pass through the sharpest cuts isn’t that what gives it the beautiful luster! So, I am right very right! He is the Perfect one for me! And I am his not so perfect one! (You see I am still trying to better myself!)

Love is not about finding that guy who can love you for what you are. But someone who can make you what you always wanted to be…Its someone who knows your flaws asks you to clear it off but still loves you even when you have done a mistake for a 100th time. So as the story goes God just knows it all he blends two dissimilar people together and he just knows they would be the finest together!♥

Ma

With this entire buzz that Mother’s day is around the corner…It actually made me think! What shall I gift my” maama”. Then my thoughts answered back …NOTHING…SIMPLY NOTHING!.It did shock me immensely but…….

God just blessed my mother with the power of giving…not me...I cannot give her back anything.

Little did I realize that She shaped me…gave me my identity.Refined my qualities and just made me what I am today…which essentially means I am nothing without her. …

Can I return back all that to her..?.No...

Can I Compensate for the little sacrifices that she made every day to get the best out of me!? No...

Can I give back to her the 22 years that she spent on me …..? No…

Then how can a person just keep on giving without expecting anything out of me...

Oh how I hated when I would be taken to the dance lessions after school or the music lessions and then go back and again made to complete mah homework for the day. Aaaaa …I simply hated it and never did I realize why …why …Mama why are you doing this to me! Now when someone compliments me on mah dance moves “I am like Kudos...to my mama and her persistence that she went with me for the dance lessions”.I learnt it all but she was always there standing in the corner watching me..When I won a part of her was the winner...And it really made her happy …When I lost...She would be there with open arms...And say...”I Know my child is the best …and there’s always a next time...And this time we shall both work harder to make it happen”..!

My teenage years were fabulous cz mama became a friend. She had always been the first person I discussed my childhood fantasy...my dreams of making it big...my school gossips… my crushes…and my bf…(ya she was the first one to know ).But now she was a real friend..Cz..She didn’t shout back at me like I did…(I did take out all my frustrations and pent up anger on her).I Know that’s bad but everyone does it…She heard all that patiently cz I was never scared to share whatever I did..And I knew she would understand...And she did! .From saris to secrets we discuss everything…..

Aww those little fights that we have over chocolates; mama is very fond of chocolates and she is really bugging sometimes cz she always wants the bigger share! (A True friend indeed)

When I moved to London she would always call me every 2 hrs I know that’s hilarious but ya she did...aaa.hw many times I would shout at her and cut the phone saying “I am bzee mama “.But no that wouldn’t calm her down …she would again call back 2 hrs later to see if my work has been done and I am happy or not?.Her concern always brought a smile on my face …”How lovely even if I hang up.she would call me back…without being angry “!

She loves me because I am ME...And that feeling is so great!

Now when I am transcending to be a lady …I want to be so much like her…But will I be able to do that what she did for me …No I don’t think I can be as awesome as her…She is truly a gem of a person!Theres so much about her ..That I can simply keep on writing…

I am so very blessed to have her in my life …

Mama I love you…♥….Muaaaaaah …and a big *teady bear hug* for u…♥

“Ur friend “Lekhu….