Not all Love Stories are perfect

Life is scheming when you get what you want still you don’t get the requisite time to live the moment. Lying on the bed draped in sheets a tear rolls down to presage the pain, anxiety my heart was breeding within. I knew this fear would end soon ,but same would my world.I just tried hard to relive the memoirs of my life.A striking life till Everything ended abruptly.

Life began so beautifully why didn’t it end the same way? 


The flash of our first meeting bounced into my heart; And for the first time I smiled to myself after ages.I was rushing through the steaming crowd at Holborn Station. It was ten past nine my shift at Starbucks Coffee shop had already begun .Swarming through the crowd of workaholics, I bumped into someone.”Oops sorry! I’m just late for my work! I say .The stranger on other end just smiles back at me and retorts...Sweetheart its ok...Hope you make it on time!. We smile and move on in opposite directions. Riya that’s me I smile to myself when will I stop bumping into people? The day passed by smoothly but I was still locked in that strangers dreams.

The next day while crusading through the crowds at the escalator in Holborn I frantically searched for that unknown face. Not finding made me sad. Suddenly I twirl around to see my georgette dupatta flying and touching someone’s face behind me.My heart beats take a thousand leaps its him.The moment he sees me he says your dupatta on my face made me experience bolly wood scenes in Alps of Switzerland …I giggle and stare at his innocent face. He introduces himself as Karan, working in a bank in high end Holborn. 

One conversation leads to another and we get used to meeting each other for coffee, at pubs and build a session of late night conversations.

 We were silently walking into a dream. Standing out in the rainy streets with red roses one day he gave me the most memorable day of my life! He asked me to be his and I nodded .Without thinking that there was a life that I had left behind, I was supposed to have an arranged marriage.Which had been fixed long before I left for my study abroad .But did me ever realize that life would be in such a state of whirlpool after I met Karan? He was my love .So; I gave up my family and marriage to be him. Just, being with him made such huge difference to me.

We just wanted our life to begin as soon as possible so we married the same weekend.Life was beautiful as I was feeling. For people around we became the most god- made couple. We were just madly in love ,a love which came late to me.But Karan had been a flirtatious person being brought up in Britain ,he kind of had that English blood even when the heart was Indian. He had a series of one night stands, flings before he met me and I would often joke at him saying “So, the Casanova tasted true love”. And he would cuddle me within him and kiss my face ceaselessly saying because you were so tempting darling resisting you became difficult your looks minced my heart baby.

We would plan our lives together and we both craved for a daughter whom we wanted to name Tanya .Our world revolved around a non-existent Tanya .How we could pamper her.How we would love her and thoughts about her became our world.True Love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames always leave the deepest scars. After a wonderful honeymoon spell in Mauritius the doctor confirmed that I had cancer. Just two months into marital bliss the world comes to a stand still .I being in my last stage of cancer will just have three months to live. Karan frantically searched for a way to keep me alive But I was already getting the sinking feeling within I knew I was losing my fight against the malady.

In these last few months the thoughts of Tanya was what kept me cheerful we would spend long hours talking about her when we knew she would never become a reality? I was leaving my life behind and the pain was unbearable

I left my body that night.

But my soul still aches when I witness Karan from far above strangled in a corner he lies in asylum. He lost himself the day I left him.It’s said Love is stronger than death. Death can’t stop love from happening .Even death however hard death it tries it cant separate two people in Love.

 Death ends the Life not the Relationship! 

So there he was crying and dying every second in the recollections of our Love and keeping our relationship alive!

Not all Love Stories are perfect! isnt it ?

Photo credits: Devendra Purbiya Photography

I'M NOT OKAY

            They say real love never sheds blood, where were these drops of blood leading me then?

Thunder cracked in the nearby field, enclosed in the dark room, I submerged my muffled cries in the pillow. The clock stuck two, I look into the darkness with that sense of numbness .For the first time in 12 hours of our fight I wasn’t feeling anything ,I had cried all my heart out, I had panicked ,I had been scared and all that had made me numb now.

He was so calm days back, suddenly that submerged anger ruptured him and he was violent like always. He screamed abuses at me, called me filthy, questioned my links with other guys in my life, fiercely called me a waste of time. I pleaded a sorry into the phone a numerous time over but the only thing that mattered to him was an appraisal of his mannish ego he went on and on and I had only a right of silence.

I looked into the darkness why was I bearing all this pain why did I ever need to live my life in accordance to his doctrines? Couldn’t I just walk out of this relationship? But there was no relationship in this place it was a friendship gone violent, a dear and close aid some time back he took over my life in  name of safety and now he empowered it. He questioned my interaction? He questioned the way I dressed, he questioned my smile, and he questioned  ME  infinite times over? He said he cared for me ...he said he loved me ...and now he was killing me.

Ending me seemed the only option tonight! As always he said if I shared all this things with anyone he would kill them but tonight he said he would kill the person who was my love! I can’t see my love dying I can’t be responsible for this fanaticism that this man had towards me. To end that vicious approach towards love, to end that violence that he called love, I called it quits.... with drops of blood slowly covering the floor my eyes close to en capture the tears within them forever.

Photo credits:Fotofoundation.com

Destined Date with Destiny

It's amazing how much pain your love has to feel and how many tears you have to shed in order to convey that you really didn’t mean any harm….”

For half of you wondering who am I to concoct such a philosophical tenet ? Well I conjecture how to portray my true self ! I it’s a strong word in itself...Full of the epitomized ego, pressured passions, vindictive vengeance. And all our lives we often gyrate in search of its true denotation and essence.

I really didn’t know who to cater these thoughts; when all the people in the world shut their ears to your woes there you search the shoulder of a stranger to cry out the anguished suppressed cries! There’s so much to my life ,But, I wanted to appreciate how the little emotions make and break the motion of life.Sitting within the four walls I lurk unrecognized of my ambitions.Watching the calendar dance to the rhythm of the air circulated by the creaking fan above. My mind becomes impatient and void at regular intervals. 

He didn’t know what I went through each day to understand my pain ; but then even I wasn’t around the times he has been crashing down in pain since last one year.We both succumbed to this weird functioning of our fate. Four years ago among couple of friend requests in the social networking site I stumbled upon him. It was a bizarre cross of destiny because I was a “walled girl” essentially; I didn’t acknowledge strangers stooping into my life. I didn’t have time to make new friends  because I couldn’t give time to the already existing ones. That’s when I say his fluke that I clicked “Yes” in confirmation of friendship request. Within seconds I see a message thanking me of being his friend! I looked at the screen juxtaposed whether to reply or leave it otherwise but the display picture caught my eye. There he was smiling and the calmness of the eyes charmed me into replying.

I did reply with an air of attitude saying its ok,and then the conversation flowed in. Thinking my first reply to be the last message for the day what I saw ...I was locked in talk with this stranger for five long hours. We talked liked kindergarten friends, giggling over the messenger. I closed my eyes and said that’s it , it’s a mere fascination of meeting a new person that’s why I got lost into his world. Composing my feminity I stop myself from replying any further.I log out intentionally saying“Have work catch Ya later”!
I Stare…again and again …before pressing that enter and then finally press it.

To end this strange happiness that I was feeling.
There were a series of messages after that, he kept asking when would I be online again, "give me a time please I shall wait! Please be there I need to talk!"
 Scared of his charming ways I stare simply stare!

And shut the system altogether.

Muted Soul

                                   I peeped into my agony and decided I await for the time 

The only sound that gave me company was the breathing of my soul, in the far end I heard a distant thunder. Tear drops rolling down..Monsoon was always my favorite time ,today I loved it more the pattering of the rain drops subsided the noise of my crying and confined it to the room. I didnt want my pain to wander around,when you are in a family you have to think more than just yourself.

How could I not cry for others it was just a break-up while for me it was a relationship to which I gave my 7 years.I had cultivated every moment to make it memorable !

They said why didn't I smile ?

 They said I had to move on ?

 They said I had to be me !

 But they weren't the ones who lost him the way I did.

Then how could they say everything will be back to normal.

How can everything will be normal and be back ? How can it be ? Drapped in those breath taking shots of agony I was lost ..Simply lost ..

The tears turned my constant ally and I learnt to be numb. And mourn the death of this relationship.

Photo credits :lovingphotography.wordpress.com

Amore

            " As numbness seeped into Me,
                 I sat scrapping the fossils of our times together."





Ruminating over the bygone memories so enchanting.
Searching for the warmth our bodies which so scintillating.
I swayed above the gravity of time.
To encompass you in me.
Gliding in your love's glee

As I see memories of the first kiss in the downstream.

I wriggled like a puppy in the winter's sunbeam.
Smiling to myself I gleam !

Love is You.
You are my love !

Beautiful Malice

He looked into my eyes studded with that corporeal craving…I easily touched him on the chin and revolved around to be engulfed in a mist of love.

We have our moments of togetherness in the moisture laden breeze within the light-house .Years it had been our sojourns away from the stoic world. I had lived lives within these walls. We had our moments of seclusion, outlet for carnal desires, and woven tapestry of future together right here.

His hands touch me on my back, slowly guiding my sensuality to transcend the guards and blend in his aroma, I knew his moves, I knew his desires like always .Bodies tied down by some invisible force he magnetizes my body with his passionate kisses, uninhibited I groove with the flow as if this is the very last time we are making out.

I take him in my arms, kiss him so hard that the twinkle in his eyes say it all..He wanted more of me now, in his lusted form he was mine. Silently his saliva stricken tongue glides through my ears and he whispers the most beautiful words…”luv u my luv” I rotate to the sounds of the sea and push him of the top, silently watching his body fall down…down..Into the sea.

For seconds I feel a bang of pain deep within. Till his conduct walk in to my thoughts….didnt he kill me when he was sleeping with that lowly seductress from his Office. His deed kills me every second of the day I just killed him once in an impetuous act of solace seeking.

This was malice beautifully braided within me …

Closing my thoughts I sashay down the stairs and melt in the shadows of the crowd far away.

Wanderer

The wanderer in me seeked solace in you..

The figher saw conquerer in thou..

You weaved a world a fantasy..

You sweeped me in ectasy..

Fuse me within your insanity..

 And make me your entirety.

--

Walking Down the lonely roads

                    I wonder where I stand in crossroads of your life.
                                When we have had a strife.

Often look back to see whether you followed my trail or not.

See around whether you are waiting on that bench uncaught...

Hoping you would be out of the woods, just like in my thoughts

I always saw that love blooming in your heart.

But, still wondered where I stand when we are apart!

The breeze conveyed of your presence.

The falling leaves caressed and touched my essence.

The periwinkle filled my vent.

With your nostalgic scent.

But I often wondered do you miss me the way I do?

If your words are so true, 

Will you take me out of this blue?

Walking down the lonely roads!

Where do I stand ?

When you leave me unplanned

I say to me

I shall stand;With thee

Cause Its only with thee I am me .

--Picture Courtesy :Bhargav Mishra

A word to be heard

I woke up babbling words...

Is it my time to be interred.

Scared that they might be misheard

I strangle them uncured;

I fear, unmisted by love...They may be slurred.

Throttled within me they aspire to be transferred.

I wait to let it be demurred.

Commingle with my thoughts and then be chauffeured.

The day they seek a life on paper reword.

They cede me to a theatre of absurd.

And give this 'psychedelic mind' a reward.

Ballad à Boeckin

You never questioned me How much I love you …?

You loved me with all your heart!

You never asked when I scratched your face with blunt crayon in kindergarten or snapped you into pieces when the adolescence passed. Days and Days you would cling under my sweaty arms in empty library lanes. Never complaining. Never showing that petulance which I did.

I fell in trance with your quintessence in the gloomy December nights. And slept tightly hugged within your arms each night drooling in your misty scents . I seeked your touch in my solitude. I playfully fiddled with your ears (Dog-earrred you in haste ) ! Passed my saliva-stricken fingers through your face every now and then. You would always look at my eyes filled with innocence. You would calm me down in pain. You covered me within your reach in the drenching rains; you became my shield when my buddies caught me unexplained. I scribbled non-sense on you...Every time the boring lectures took place.

You taught me all life’s lessons. And I lived a thousand realities simultaneously within you .And you never…You never really turned your back on me the way the world did.

Its in you...My Friend I seek a companion …It’s in thee that I live the moments.

No one understands me the way my BOOKS …do an Ode to my books..!

Requiem

There was a sheer numbness around as if the world had come to a stand still .I move around searching for living souls who could help me save my beloved lying in the pool of blood.But the uncertainity harasses me I can find none around ...Where is the world when I need them ..Where is everyone Somebody please help me I scream into vaccum...

There in the far corner I See the cops coming ..I sense a degree of exhilaration ...I can save him now..I can..

They arrive drag him into the ambulance and speed away ...Lost in the sheer apprehension i get mingled in the memories of that evening ...Beautiful it was ...We had been out celebrating our anniversary of 7 years ...The seven years of clandestine love.Being in Love was so encompassing ..The late nights of togetherness under the moon,the walks on lonely beaches...bonding of the bodies on the windy mountains and the solace of his touch.Life was beautiful for us ..we never had arguments ..we never fought ...words never had to convey anything when it was our eyes which did the talks.....

We had wine all evening Domaine Romanée-Conti..the best in the town.. Sleeping in his arms in front of the roaring sea I had nothing to ask the lord.. Life is worth living and I was living every moment of that !

The late night reminded of work the next day we walk to leave ...Snuggled next to him in the car I want the time to stop ...And it does when the speeding vehicle crashes into the trees.

I walk to sense he had survived the crash...From the far end I can see the tears flowing down his cheeks ..I wish to kiss those tears like every time I did ..But...I depart to begin my heavenly odyssey hearing the lingering requiem bidding me adieu.

--

Picture Courtesy :RANVIR DEB PHOTOGRAPHY

Pleasure Paradox

Frugal are thoughts that rekindle this mind …I often wanted to be tied down within the reign of the marital bond .The sanctity behind the whole organism of marriage marveled me. I needed to within the arms of my beloved ….I needed his warmth by my side. Its not that I never found the perfect love …But the love that was so perfect came at an imperfect time.

When, I had nothing to commit to that person. I couldn’t because I had already been into a marriage of 2 long years. I had everything that life could offer me a loving husband a kid a year old. But I still I lost myself to the charms of that stranger. He was my next door neighbor quite friendly to mingle with. I remember the first time he walked into my life his childlike mannerisms caught my eye and touched my heart forever. Things flowed down after that he and husband became the perfect pals. Its often a blessing to find someone in a new place and he became an avid visitor after that .I would often observe him from the far end of the room when he came over to have a chat with Ronit, at 27 he was still a child at heart …He took life as it was…I loved that thing in him

What pulled me to him was he was reverse of what my husband had been for years. While Ronit was an epitome of perfection …this unknown stranger was a perfect replica of me …So imperfect …so immature and so lovable. Days into marriage when I was forgetting the little pieces that made me. This new stranger revived all that into my lonely, sultry life. He made me laugh and it was the first hearty laugh that I had in days

Then one day he told that he loved me…I stared at him in an anxiety stricken state what audacity did he have to talk to a married lady like this …?? But then he had always been this honest and spontaneous in his actions….He didn’t ask me for a commitment..But still juxtaposed my life …

He kept stating that he needed me…he would give me all the love that I needed …all the dreams that I had crushed in this two years of marriage with Ronit would become a reality ….But what about the life …the world that I had weaved all this while …

My heart longed to be in this strangers arms..Rest my head on his heart and lose myself to this love alround.But, Is life that easy to decode …easy to move on..

He had no strings attached while I had two lives who depended on me …There was this huge conflict of heart when I had to choose between my happiness..and the people whose happiness depended on me…Suffocated with these thoughts my heart cries out in pain …Sometimes the greater mysteries of life have their answers in the prayers that we called in ….My heart still waits for an answer …An answer which the almighty has…

The Untold Monsoon Saga

The strangeness in the sea ..the wistful eyes have been my constant ally for years now. I look disconnected from this whole world .."Why"...oscillates within me these days...
I know the storm is impeding ...years in accord with the sea I know when the sea is choleric ...when its vehemence is going to pierce through me..So I wait in premonition to fuse within its behemothic arms ...

The rain melts down my bare skin..I wait... I know its going to be all over in minutes -- now..and that injects a sense of blessedness.Years of existence in isolation and pain its all going to be over ...my soul...gets the freedom it deserves..

Theres a hard thrust on my arms and I am pulled back towards the shore ..with anger mounting on me I look into a strangers eyes..
"Who are you ? ..leave me alone I screech ....

He pulls me into his arms ...calm down things will be fine !I continue my struggled to fled ...Why did he have to pull me back ...Seconds before my heavenly abode he had to scatter it forever...The roaring sea..breaks my thoughts ..the storm is getting stronger ...I can sense it !..
Suddenly with the strike of thunder the waves overtake us ...Its just seconds and we are in the sea !..Choked with water I clung to his arms ..He swims back again to the shore with me locked as a baby in his arms.Far away in corner I could see people waving their hands as a ridiculous clock out of corner.The air mirrored a sand storm ..and the suddeness of rain made it difficult to see.

Its a hurricane he wispers in to my ears . I am least in mood to know what it is I am happy to complete my dreams of finishing this endurance.I had enough to know this life ! But he is determined to save me ....
And he does ...

I wake up in a hospital with the scent of fresh blue orchids ..(my favorites ) I look around ..when a nurse smiles at me "You are fine" ..
Here he left this letter for you ...I open To read
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul."..You had already given up your life ..its part of my life that is lighting the life within you...Think twice before killing me again..
Anxiety stricken I look at the nurse ..where is he ?...He passed away an hour ago ..He dreamt to see you wake up with fresh orchids which he said were his favourites ..and this note !

Baffled I look at the note ..The Nurse tries to passsify my thoughts " I am sorry he must have loved you dearly to give up his life for you !!..."
Strange are the ways of life I didnt even know who he was...but I had his soul germinating within me ...I close my eyes to give a name to this relationship ....finding none ..I mourn his death ...


*

You

As, the wind flowed through us.
Our eyes met shortly and begged for the chance,

The struggle to throw out all of our uncertainties

Began its passage through the ceremony

Your hands stroked the stray strands,

Away from my forehead, they slowly land.

Aromas of, colognes and faintly, the sea
drift and whirl around me…

Love You

I delve to be in your arms!

In search of that confinement of happiness!

I stare to our meetings of seclusion.

In search of moments together.

My heart waits for that sweet word of bliss

In retort to that endearing kiss

I imagine a world of togetherness.

In response to our remoteness.

Love you ..

love you with all my heart! ♥

The Uncertainty Called life…

I woke up to her agonizing cries…I knew she was departing to take up her last journey .The course to a far away mysterious world! But why was I so restive, so profoundly in tenderness didn’t I know the veracity. Yes I did, and I reaffirmed my belief...a million times that night. The night was a sinuous one …it was taking away someone whom I loved. Someone for whom I cared! But could I really do anything?, No I couldn’t . My mental struggle was creating a distress precinct within me; I didn’t like it…this entire route of knowing that I was losing out on her was heart breaking! The furor, the shouts of people around nothing seemed to bother me …Locked in my web of imaginings,..the images disturbed me,the sessions of lullabies ,her random stories as she got old I was praying the almighty to condense her pain and he did...it was seconds, and she flew on her heavenly flight …I just had my tears to wish her goodbye!

May your soul rest in peace…Grandma ...

Love You

Picture Courtesy:www.medindia.net

Truely Yours ..

When you are scared to lose me …I delve to be you strength...

When you can’t sustain without the sound of my voice in your dreams I’m your heartbeat!

When you search for my warmth …I become truly YOURS!

CAN’T C U NE MORE...Xx

She lay on the bed perplexed …”If Everything is so right then why does it feel so wrong?”The message said it all, didn’t it? She had been so keyed up with the beep of the phone …that had been her lifeline for six long years! Distance never kills any relationship …It always makes the heart fonder that’s what she held...But how could such a strong link ……be broken by a single text message. She looks around to see the pictures depicting memoirs of their lives together. ..The fun…the laughter and the love .The life that was so perfect, that she was ready to relive it a thousand times…But now there wasn’t any life to live…..Yes there was no life to live!

The juxtaposed thoughts confused her….and the reality came crashing down on her

But …There was no more any life to live at all!

Tears…were flowing down her cheeks…She looked around ….to witness that her cries had no audience to entertain than the vacuum. The pain, the complexities of her so called perfect world … was that entire she had now!

How does she move forward? Where does she go from here? …

With the last drop of tear she whispers into solitude ….

Its said you hurt those you love …You must really love me a lot!

!

The wait

                                              "Waiting for the pain to end , And love to mend!"

An Ode to love …

Every instance with you has left me with memories, so beautiful...

Every instance has set the soul, reasons so blissful...

Don’t really consign to reminiscence...
                                      the times the heart has cried to be close to you.

Don‘t really 'commit to memory' the times these eyes...
                                           have spoken the unspoken…before you..!

You know you're not alone when I exist to fill your very core,
You know I dance in your love's galore.
You know it’s your love that’s created such furor;

So,now You know... that forever its only your love ,that I adore.