I'M NOT OKAY

            They say real love never sheds blood, where were these drops of blood leading me then?

Thunder cracked in the nearby field, enclosed in the dark room, I submerged my muffled cries in the pillow. The clock stuck two, I look into the darkness with that sense of numbness .For the first time in 12 hours of our fight I wasn’t feeling anything ,I had cried all my heart out, I had panicked ,I had been scared and all that had made me numb now.

He was so calm days back, suddenly that submerged anger ruptured him and he was violent like always. He screamed abuses at me, called me filthy, questioned my links with other guys in my life, fiercely called me a waste of time. I pleaded a sorry into the phone a numerous time over but the only thing that mattered to him was an appraisal of his mannish ego he went on and on and I had only a right of silence.

I looked into the darkness why was I bearing all this pain why did I ever need to live my life in accordance to his doctrines? Couldn’t I just walk out of this relationship? But there was no relationship in this place it was a friendship gone violent, a dear and close aid some time back he took over my life in  name of safety and now he empowered it. He questioned my interaction? He questioned the way I dressed, he questioned my smile, and he questioned  ME  infinite times over? He said he cared for me ...he said he loved me ...and now he was killing me.

Ending me seemed the only option tonight! As always he said if I shared all this things with anyone he would kill them but tonight he said he would kill the person who was my love! I can’t see my love dying I can’t be responsible for this fanaticism that this man had towards me. To end that vicious approach towards love, to end that violence that he called love, I called it quits.... with drops of blood slowly covering the floor my eyes close to en capture the tears within them forever.

Photo credits:Fotofoundation.com

Eminence

I wake up to hustle of my son in the dining . I had been late today ,this continuous sleepless nights were taking their toll on me.I rush throwing the sheets on the floor,I desperately  needed to see my child before he leaves for his classes.

But, as a strike of lightning I retreat back,Its always this feeling of ambiguities ruling my cognizance these days that I fail to decipher the eminence of my presence in my loved ones life .

I wringer myself , will my death make any difference to my son ? The answer was quick and sanguine.

"No".... Busy he was in his own world of imaginings , he had a father with intact bank balance and he had nothing to worry about.His days began with posh cars ,sailed smooth with credit cards .
What need did he have with a mother ?
Then I look at bed , sleeping curled up within the sheets is the man I spent twenty-five fruitful years of my life managing his emotions to his clandestine desires.I did every possible thing on my part to be there with him.I re-question myself all over again "Will my absence matter to him ?"
"No"...With his business creeping to frontiers beyond reach , he has too much to take care of , a lonely weeping lady isn't his best business bargain.

I pirouette within my forlorn thoughts.Is this the life that I dreamt about ? Is the life that I want?
 But who really understands all this when this is what I am fated to live.

I weep again in my desolate world,till sunshine from the windows afflicts my thoughts.

Photo credits:www.betterphoto.com

Cheat

If You cheat me then I will cheat life !

Theres Always a world beyond our comfort zone ...The people who make it big are the ones who have taken a risk at least once in their lifetime !♥

Picture Courtesy :www.photoblog.pl

Desire

Dont desire to walk ..the same path as I did...!

Dont desire to live my Life ...Until you have a Strong Heart and Mind..Like mine..!

Picture Courtesy :www.edf-feph.org

Destination

I hate it …when I reach my goals …sooner !..Its then that I loose the aspirations to live !

She

Ripped by the reality of life she got conscious of the two sides of her!
She was a blend of emotions; whose heart cried out when she saw the world in pain. She cried with the child …who lost his childhood; she cried as the world was besieged by terrorism, she cried when a girl was dragged on the streets by goons. Walking down the phases of her life …she believed the world was a part of her... she loved it, cherished it …and nurtured it as her own! She dreamt to see the world dipped in happiness and hope…she dreamt to see a content soul! And she survived just to see the world thrive! …on its own …
But …what was she on the other side? A selfish spirit whose heart craved for more! Who dreamt to see herself as a winning spree? Who just survived to see herself free, the world’s pain was not hers, the world’s tribulations didn’t belong to her…She was the woman of the new genre whose only belief was to rule the world…Whose sustenance was reciprocal to her success. Whose interactions were just a way of life, whose winnings made her smile!
Whose was she …in reality …who was she?
I believe…………………………………….She was just me!

Girl behind the walls

Life is intricate, when you just have the four walls for your company. You wake up in their midst, you see them last, before your eyes wait for a day to end. You long for the sunshine, the rain, and the aroma of the earth; but the only thing that reverts back is the succulence of the walls.

Can life live in such a state of circumstances? Can life see the light of joy in this situation?
                                                     Can life? Hmm…


So, I have stopped breathing mine and the only leftovers of presence remains in the virtual world, where I’m far away from prejudices,perceptions and the people. But I still yearn for the spark of bliss, the beautiful planet of imaginings, and above all a life that I can call my own again.

 Didn’t they say every gloom transcends into the radiance one day. Didn’t they?
Then where is my life? Where is my happiness? Where is my share of love? I have waited so long for God’s fairness and I am still waiting .


Hope has taken me through the tunnel. But when again, I stare at the distance.

Hope seems to melt...into the walls!

Photo credits:www.lelalondon.com

Do all relationship come with a past ?

I walked …down the alley blemished with my own conflicting thoughts. No one to stand by …the only companion with me today is my pain. I look around searching for any sight of a human, but there is none. I can just hear my heart and the roaring sound of the sea in the remoteness. My call for expressing myself is so intense; that I keep walking in anticipation that I would surely come across someone near the sea…someone with whom the exchange of thoughts would bring back the tranquility. I try walking faster...Its getting late and the darkness around is scaring me…The sea is near …yes it is …I can sense the salt laden gentle wind touching my face. I pace up and arrive at the shore. I am sweating profusely but that’s not what am anxious about …I need to find someone …I need someone to hear me.

As if god could feel my pain I saw someone in the far end sitting on the rocks, without even getting concerned who the person was I start running it’s the only living soul I had come across since hours. And it’s always easier to convey things to a stranger because they would never judge you by your past. And it’s my past that I was actually nervous about.

I reach her breathing deeply… she is a girl barely of twenty five, she had striking hair even the breeze was playfully flirting around with it ,and it was beautifully rising and falling on her face. There was certain calmness in her face unlike mine. And I thought I found the elucidation to all my questions. With my heart beats getting faster …I slowly touched her shoulders and the only sound that could come out of my dry mouth was a “Hello”. She looked up startled as if awaken from a deep slumber and kept blandly looking at me. We looked at each other for several seconds…may be minutes because I was besieged to start the conversation. What will I say her …will she think I am out of my mind and disturbing her…but I had to do it right… yes I had to its because of this… I had traveled so far alone. Even after assuring self several times the only thing that could come out of me was I need to talk. She smiled and I knew she was the one …she will take me out of my twinge. I started talking …

No it was just questions out of my mind…why do I have so much pain to encounter…why its always me…why cant I live beyond my past …months before when I had shifted to this place; I was so sure that this was it I had my share of pain now I have to look beyond the past and carve a beautiful future for myself. And I was doing fine till he walked into my life again. Bringing back all that I have been trying to bury within me! Who gave him the right to come back hadn’t he taken his decision long time back… that I wasn’t a part of his life anymore. He took his decision and I wasn’t ever asked how I felt about the separation, I walked out silently never ever questioning his credibility his …decisions then why had he come back?

He said …he needed me these months had broken him into pieces …he wanted me to amalgate all his pieces and make him complete again. Could I trust him all over again…he was the person who had said I was an useless part of his life which he wanted to be removed as soon as possible. I was a hindrance to his much celebrated ambitious plans to make it big in the world. And I left him …not because I was angry but because I realized he would be happier if I let him go …and that’s what he wanted…
The words were just tumbling out of my mouth and the girl was silently listening to me through my tears. …I looked at her as if I knew she would know all the answers. For seconds she was quiet and I was really getting impatient. But when she spoke her voice had a divine insight…she said Pain is an introduction to a beautiful life ahead…If you haven’t seen pain then you would never feel the essence of happiness. Long ago when you felt you were inseparable you had chances to doubt your own feelings and that’s what happened with him .He thought he would do without you, he called you a futile part because gradually he was feeling you to be one. The severance pulled you apart the pain was unbearable for both …but it gave him a difficult time he couldn’t be the practical one that he always acclaimed about. Yes, he couldn’t even when you were miles apart you remained to be a part of each other bleeding, crying in your respective parts of the world.

You should now love him not because you know how it’s to be loved but you have witnessed how it feels in its absence. And, its then that the charm of love actually blossoms.Every relationship come with their past …yes they do and this whole experience of separation would blend into your past one day and you would walk into the future to make it a beautiful one.Dont repent that it happened be happy that life choose you over others to experience a reality of life. It’s this disturbing facet of life that makes life worth living. You have grown with the pain …become a part of his life that he cant do without…and you have an assured love filled life ahead isn’t that enough to take you through this life. Her answers were like the first drops of rain in a drought stricken place… I was slowly calming down I got all my answers. How beautifully did she explain me about life? I wanted to know more about her now… how selfish I had been? I started talking my life out to her without bothering to know her name or ask her why was she alone in this place. Seeing me lost in my thoughts she had walked away…I would see her tender body across the night sky. I shouted to catch her attention but there was no answer … my voice reverberated back. She kept walking till I could see no more of her. Silently closing my eyes I muttered “Bless her”…and for the first time I felt the breeze and it was heavenly…

The cherished possession

Is it something to do with the Arian instinct that he wins all the arguments! Or is it destiny that bestows him with all the good fortune. Well he always sabotages my opinions and finely weaves it into what he thinks is right….He dissect my thoughts...So well that he would know the words before they would be out of my mouth… sometimes I hate that feeling and sometimes love it as well…(*Confused what I actually feel about it )..Arguments with him are like the cross and zero game where I always reach a dead end... But does that trouble me…That I win or not …Highly optimistic as I am. I have always believed that it’s better to loose an argument than loose the relationship altogether…so I just let him be the winner always (** with special effects of my angelic smile).And he enjoys that feeling His creative zest steamed with practicality makes him just awesome …and its his these innate qualities that he makes me fall for him over and over…

I am not a counselor on human relationships nor an intellectual genius but …just a cognizant speaker. Who believes winning is not everything in life …
You might have the whole world on your finger tip but still crave to get the affection of a loved one. Because it’s always the human beings who matter over all the materialistic assets one acquires in life. I know it’s sometimes so hard curtailing the ego but …the bargain shall always yield a profitable margin in a relationship. In a world…where a bruised heart is rampantly found finding that one person who loves you unconditionally makes the difference. So when you find someone that great never lose them over trivial ego gratifications. Love the person who loves you and cherish them forever.

Life!

Life has several connotations and utilities for human beings. When god uncovered such a fragile entity what would have been his reaction? Did his calls of “eureka “, “eureka”, bombard the cosmos? Well God must not have been that modest to neglect the whimsical sense of pride. After all it was an endeavor which was about to change his long list of creative productions.
Life for me encompasses every ambit of my mere existence, and for its sustenance I need to be equipped with adequate resources ;so as to showcase my finest talents which are deeply ingrained within my “self –mask”.

Then how can GOD be that flexible in approach to vest the reigns of my life in another meager human being? My indication in this regard is towards those authoritarian figures that maneuver our life’s during the most critical segment, i.e. "Our Childhood”. What if they commit an error in the execution of such a job? Wont that ruin our lives forever ! When our parents are bestowed with the opportunity to decide on our behalf, shouldn’t they make the maximum exploitation of their resources so as to provide us with the best forum for our enhancement?
Aren't they selfish with regard to the career decision that we take? Don’t they even try to regulate and take control of our life?

Our life is important for us – So only we can realize its worth .So why can’t we lead our life on our own terms, deciding upon every aspect of our endurance; So that our life and its every faculty will be ours. We take the responsibilities for our mistakes and delight in our achievements. I know this reflects the perfect reiteration of the individualistic ideology. But that would have been never an issue if every child would have been benefited by the decision taken by his parents and teachers.

So before we take a decision on someone else’s life we should be a bit compassionate to ask for the other person’s views. If parents and their autocratic mannerisms continue. Then we shall be blessed with a generation who have lost the faculty to decide for themselves and are left with a catastrophe.(I wouldn’t dare to call that life!)